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February 2014

All the Single Ladies, ( All the Single Ladies), All the Single Ladies, (All the Single Ladies)

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This being a “complete” handbook to dating and sex, you have to come to terms with the understanding that a lot of the information has been rehashed and for the most part will not be new. For the majority of the reading public you have already heard of the subject matter or for good or bad have experienced it first-hand. The ingenuity of the book is in the angles it takes in addressing pressing matters and the humour that is utilized to keep the audience engaged. From knowing how to spot an axe murderer, to not knowing how to find Mrs.Right, but keeping you far away from Mrs.Wrong, This book will be your bayonet on the battlefield that is dating.

I find it hard to write a review when it comes to books like this, so what I would rather do is write down some of the thoughts I had while reading this resource and various information I found interesting. i hope you don’t mind:

*According to the book I think I need to invest in some testosterone boosters to increase the size of my, ring finger, and yes this is not some play on words,I really mean my ring finger.

*As many humorous moments as this book provides, there are also moments where the subject matter should be taken very seriously.

*To avoid an unwanted holiday kiss, make up a mistletoe-related fib. One that I thought would work well was; “This mistletoe has no berries! That’s bad luck.”

*Most office romances begin in the Spring, so to all you office-spacers GET GOING.

*The section on “how to date a vampire if you are a morning person” and “handling a love triangle with a vampire and a werewolf” were quite entertaining.

*I always have trouble leaving pimples alone, I know full well that I should, I just think my one-time viewing of “How to Get Ahead in Advertising” constantly rears its ugly head (pun intended). What I will take away from this section is to pull away from both sides of the pimple rather than pushing inwards.

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“Watch for the warning signs of B.O.
*Beer smell may indicate a yeast infection.
*Nail polish smell may indicate diabetes.
*Ammonia smell may indicate liver disease.

*There was a thorough section on how to open a beer bottle without an opener. There were 11 examples with illustrations and how-to guides.

*I remember Leonard from The Big Bang Theory doing the centripetal force bar trick and was so impressed I would have slept with him, or practiced it myself with hopes of it having the same effectiveness on the ladies. Whatever happens first.

*Foil future hook-ups when dealing with a promiscuous roommate by mentioning recent “health” conditions, oh the places you can go with this breadth of possibilities. You can also talk about the unsatisfactory experiences of past guests and the promise that you will see more of each other because you rarely leave the room. That “oughta” work.

*The playlist for inappropriate music during sex was a nice touch. My favourite inclusions were “It’s a Small World After All” by Robert & Richard Sherman, as well as “You’re Having My Baby” by Paul Anka.

*To get your significant other’s dog to like you, the book suggests wearing some of their clothes because of their familiarity with the scent. Deep down I always thought I would look better than her and do her tight tops justice, this gives me a good excuse.

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*Human bites have a higher rate of infection than bites from animals, especially if they break the skin. What does that say about our general lack of dental hygiene when most animals are busy eating their own waste or rotten carcasses. Remember to brush in between meals and do forget to floss.

*During the pick-up line section I was reminded of the hate I have for the pick-up line. I will admit that after getting to know a woman for a little bit and reaffirming my interest I did use one go-to line:

“Have you ever made out with a guy that has a displaced jaw?”
“No I can’t say that I have.”
“Would you like to.”

Before you laugh that one has worked before.The key thing to remember is that you must have a messed up jaw that clicks and clacks while kissing for an extended period of time. Next, don’t say you have Temporomandibular Joint Disorder, that might scare them off. It also helps if you pull away when kissing emphasizing the startling pain, this will work on a woman’s natural convention to “care” and perhaps lead to bigger (or smaller whichever floats your boat) and better things.

*Being a man afflicted with reoccurring muscle cramps in the feet, calves and hamstrings. I would advise against having sex in sub-zero temperatures, during extreme heat alerts, or in bodies of water. If you find yourself in these precarious situations remember to stay hydrated for prolonged performance, otherwise, proceed at your own risk.

*Are there any female Kakorrhaphiphilia’s out there looking for a good time? I’m sure to disappoint.

*The Inuit Eskimo expression for sex is “laughing time”. I am either dating a lot of Native Canadians or I need to look myself in the mirror.

*[Fake Politician Smile On]I was a heavy snorer until I started sewing tennis balls to the back of all my pajamas. Now I sleep quietly throughout the night without waking the neighbourhood dogs. Thanks Snore-Away!!![Fake Politician Smile Off]

*The section on how to live with your ex until one of you moves out was very funny.You also learn how to treat a panic attack and avoid a nervous breakdown before you get married.

*I loved the how to deliver a baby in a taxi cab, various wedding-themed checklists and finally to wrap a tiny bow on the book, a copy of a birds and the bees speech.

This book was very well done, interesting and funny. It includes information for both sexes and is very much mutually beneficial. This is recommended to anyone that is looking for a nice and easy experience after reading a heavy hitter.

 

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Impenetrable Force Field

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